Who are your picks today? Why?
Me, I rarely comment on football in public, for much the same reason as I rarely comment on religion. If Saint Thomas Aquinas—or in this case, Saint Vincenzio d'Lombardi—could not convince you that some of your most closely held beliefs are wrong, what hope do I have? Last Friday was "Team Spirit" day in the office. People kept asking me why I wasn't wearing my team colors. I told them my Packers jersey was in the wash.
It's true. I may live in Minnesota, but I've never been a Vikings fan, and I'm not about to convert now. I am not much of a football fan at all, honestly, but as much as I am one, I'm a true-green Packers fan. I grew up on Schlitz, Blatz, Pabst, Colby cheese, and watching Bart Starr play in Milwaukee County Stadium. I know the difference between Thuringer and summer sausage; between a lager and a pilsner; between Ray Nitschke and Paul Hornung; between a Holstein and a Bechstein. As one of my old professional bios used to say I really did work for a while in the Usinger sausage factory, where I learned the grim truth of Bismarck's famous aphorism—and as you might expect, it was years before I could bring myself to eat braunschweiger again.
All the same, here we are, going into the championship round, and I find my feelings strangely mixed today. On the one hand I find myself surreptitiously hoping the Vikings will win, and then go on to win the Super Bowl, just so that The Curse of Fran Tarkenton will finally be lifted. Besides, I will take a certain sadistic delight in knowing that the Vikes finally managed to pull it off—but only by hiring two ex-Packers.
On the other hand, if they win today, then I know team owner Zygi Wilf will be down at the state capitol tomorrow, demanding that the taxpayers of Minnnesota cough up a billion bucks to build him a new stadium or else he'll move the team to Los Angeles. For owning an antitrust-exempted major league sports franchise truly is the closest thing to having a license to commit legalized extortion available today, short of being a government agency.
In the final analysis, then, I guess that is why even today I remain a Packers fan. I've seen the Packers be truly great; I've seen them really suck. When they're great I don't get too excited because I know that pretty soon they will suck again; when they suck I don't get depressed, because I know that sooner or later they will be great again. But in good times and bad, winning seasons and "rebuilding" years, no matter what happens on or off the field, I know one thing remains true: the Packers will never demand that the taxpayers of Wisconsin build them a new stadium or else they'll sell the franchise down the river.
Can you say the same thing, Vikings fans?
Addendum: After further reflection (and lunch), I find that when I look back at this amazing season, I mostly see the missed opportunities. Not on the field; I'm talking about in merchandising. While this year's Vikings have not yet done anything rising to the high-water mark set by the 2005 squad with their legendary "booze, hookers, coke, and digital cameras on a boat" party, and the associated souvenir T-shirt—
—there were so many other careless missteps that just a moment's extra thought would have corrected. The failure to market a white #4 Favre jersey with "Your Team Name Here" on it, and a corresponding collection of stick-on velcro team logo patches. The failure to market a horned Viking helmet not with the traditional "Helga" braids, but with an attached Jared Allen mullet. Demoting backup quarterback John David Booty to the practice squad: what red-blooded American high school or college girl would not want to be seen right now wearing a pair of purple and gold warm-up pants with the name "BOOTY" plastered across the upper buttocks region in letters six inches high?
And for the ladies, the crowning touch, and one I could sell a million of if I had 'em today and probably ten million in the next two weeks. Envision a tasteful purple collar, trimmed in white lace, with a tiny golden Vikings emblem on the front.
Yes. It's the official Vikings choker...
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