by Bruce BethkeMy old friend was excited, and that was worth noting because it didn't happen often. At the time he was working as the staff book reviewer for a major metropolitan daily—imagine that, once upon a time local newspapers actually kept paid book reviewers in staff positions—and he'd just read a review copy of an upcoming release that had rocked his world.
Major publishing house; major hardcover release with a big advertising budget and a promo tour; the author was a big name back in the '50s who'd even had a few notable movie deals and then gone strangely silent for two decades. This was to be his comeback novel, and his first foray into the then-new trope that would shortly become known as the "technothriller" genre, because that sounds so much better than the "Imitation Tom Clancy" genre.
So I took the book and started reading. Chapter 1, Scene 1: our hero is driving in his lovingly described and expensive car, at night, through a lovingly described and expensive California neighborhood, thinking profoundly dark and foreshadowy thoughts. Shortly he arrives at his destination, which is a friend's house out in the country, and as he pulls into the crunching gravel driveway he immediately senses that something is amiss. So he opens the glove compartment, pulls out his lovingly described Smith & Wesson Model 19 .357 Magnum Combat Masterpiece, thumbs off the safety—
And that's when he lost me. For as anyone who has ever handled any Smith & Wesson solid-frame revolver made in the last century knows, that convenient little thumb-button on the left side of the frame is not a safety, it's the cylinder release: it's how you open the gun (coincidentally rendering it unfireable) to load or unload it. Thumbing the cylinder release at the wrong moment is not only useless, it can actually dump all of your cartridges onto the ground, which, on a gravel rural driveway on a dark California night, when there are bad guys about and evil afoot...
I plodded on through the rest of the book, and it was decently thrilling. But I never really got into the story, and in hindsight, I blame it on that one picayune detail. All the while I was reading it, some part of my mind kept wondering, "Yeah, this sounds good. But does this writer actually have a clue what he's talking about?"
Hence this column. I've called it "Splattering Guts for Fun & Profit" because "Clues for the Clueless" was already taken. In the weeks to come we'll discuss the finer—and sometimes the grosser—points of how to write about weapons and violence in a way that's credible, or at least not embarrassingly stupid. You'll learn why your hero had better not be carrying a .12 gauge shotgun, unless it's mounted on wheels and towed by a team of horses, and why a Walther PPK in .32 ACP does not strike like Mjöllnir, lifting villains off their feet and sending them flying backwards through plate glass windows.
I claim no particular expertise in this area. I'm neither a martial artist nor a combat veteran, although I've interviewed a lot of combat vets. I've been a lifelong hunter, a highly ranked competitive pistol shooter, and I've done both stage and sport fencing, which are two completely disciplines. I will gladly yield this space to guest columns, if you have an area of particular interest or expertise and want to write about it. Nor do I want this to become a "gun p0rn" column: in the weeks to come we'll talk about edged weapons, airborne weapons, shipborne weapons, fighting vehicles, and magical combat. (Just why is it that the wands and spells used in Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix so strongly resemble the "weirding modules" used in David Lynch's Dune? And what would happen if Mr. Potter were to shake his wand while shouting, "Muad'Dib!"?) I'm also open for a good discussion of one very fundamental question: why, in a genre that claims to be "the literature of ideas," does the plot so often end up resolved by nearly mindless violence?
But as for today: this long-planned column, after many delays and cost overruns, is officially launched. What sorts of questions would you like to see answered?
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