Kersley Fitzgerald, "Car Trouble"
Henry writes: A great, well-written story. I could picture the town and the old men and your mounting frustration as you waited for the mechanic. As a sideline, we southerners also appreciate the recognition that we're not all a bunch of racists down here. I enjoyed this one a lot.
Bruce writes: As always, a good story, superbly told. I could see these guys; hear them sucking their teeth as the rusty old gears of their brains turned over. (Or maybe I'm just projecting, because I've been through similar scenes so many times myself. Remind me to tell you my story of breaking down in Julesberg, Colorado—in a Toyota Corolla, in a March blizzard—sometime.) It's a shame you had to withdraw this one, but under the circumstances, I suppose...
Passinthrough, "Clementine"
Kersley writes: I love that this '67 is just waiting around for a transmission, ready to go back into service whenever someone fixes it up. And it brought me back to the day I got a flat in high school. Never had so much male attention before or since.
Henry writes: Even when everyone is telling personal stories, yours still give glimpses into a world different from mine. This time the world isn't quite as different, as I saw rural homes not that far from where I lived with their own bone piles. Yours is a good story about a girl and her car. As usual, your style of writing fits this kind of story perfectly.
Bruce writes: Oh, this brings back memories... Of my buddy Mike's '67 LeMans, and my police auction "Bluesmobile" (which was a '72 Plymouth Fury, but same idea), and of driving around Wisconsin looking for restorable vintage cars that had been sitting in or out back of barns for the past forty years. Y'know, if the interior isn't completely rotted out, and the rest of the body isn't totally gone to rust, I've got this buddy who rebuilds Hydramatic trannies just for the fun of it...
Never mind. Wonderful story, as always. Thanks for sharing it.
Rigel Kent, "And a Six-Pack Saved the Day"
Henry writes: I knew my fair share of rednecks growing up, so your solution to your problem was spot on, based on my experience! I really enjoyed the way you told the tale, too. The folksy, conversational manner works wonderfully. I'm pretty sure I even picked up the inflection you would have used had you told me the story in person. All around, a great entry.
Kersley writes: Fun style. It would have been smoother had you put the information in the flashbacks in the narrative—like the power steering pump and the light traffic—even George's name. I love the asides and the style. Tightening up the chronology of the story would make it even better. (Seriously? You had a six-pack in your truck in case you broke down?)
Bruce writes: Why, yes, of course. It's part of the standard breakdown survival kit in these parts. Blanket, matches, candle, flashlight, chocolate bars, in the winter a fifth of schnapps, and in the summer, at least a six-pack of beer. Don't want to risk getting dehydrated while you're waiting for help, doncha'know.
I loved this story. There are some cosmetic flaws that would need fixing if this was being done for publication, but I just laughed all the way through it. Very nicely told.
Watkinson, "The Bush Mechanic"
Kersley writes: Wait—I thought you were from Australia. This sounds like the U.S. The story needs some copyediting. (I see that you, like me, are not licensed to use commas without direct supervision.) Still, love the story. Is it lame to say that your story with Rigel's style would be outstanding? If so, forget I said it!
Henry writes: "I know this road like the back of my hand." Words guaranteed to come just before some kind of automotive disaster. Great story about an... interesting weekend, and, as you said, the best—and best-humored—bush mechanic around. This story could use some proofreading, but I'm not a grammar teacher. The story held together well and was quite entertaining.
Bruce writes: Ah yes, the classic Australian teenage lads' story: getting blind drunk, and then... getting blind drunk again. And again. It's amazing anyone ever remembers the endings of these stories, let alone survives them. And I would have more to say, except that being from Wisconsin, I have too many stories just like it in my own repertoire. Except that they usually involve pine trees. And someone's parents' car ending up sinking into a cattail swamp or mucky lake. And at least one freshly road-killed raccoon...
Miko, "Beating the Drums of Olds"
Henry writes: I did things the opposite of most people. I listed to your mp3 first and then read your story. The written story was a good entry, but your oral version just blows it away. You nailed this sucker from beginning to end. It sounded just like a guy having a beer with his buddies and recounting the story of the white boy with the sledge hammer. You've definitely got a talent for storytelling. If you enjoyed doing that story, I'd strongly recommend that you see if there is a storytelling organization or group in your area. I wish you lived somewhere near Raleigh so you could join the group I'm in. All in all, I loved it.
Kersley writes: "Olll-mobeel Cutlet?" "Whoop-de-doo-40?" Ha, ha, ha! I think if you listened to an hour of Uncle Remus, this one would be perfect. The drawl is a little inconsistent; I think speeding up the really slow bits just a little would even it out. Storywise, I'd keep to a general wrap-up after the sledge hammer incident. Adding on the details of the parking brake was a bit anti-climactic.
Bruce writes: I have little to add to everyone else's comments. Good story as written; great story as told. And with that, we picked a winner—
Which is when the fun really started. Like most of you who commented, we found it a tough call. Kersley and Henry picked Miko, with close runner-up going to Rigel. I picked Rigel, with close runner-up going to Miko, on the grounds that Kersley and Henry had been unduly influenced by the mp3. Comparing the written stories—
At which point Henry pointed out that we never made "written" a qualifying condition for entries, and if we had, we'd have been deprived of Kersley's delightful "How the Bear and the Bull Learnt to Take Turns," much less Vidad and KTown's nearly legendary "Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, A Pig's Spleen and a Baboon's Heart." Kersley then chimed in with a structural analysis of the two stories that, to be honest, got me thinking about pacing in a way I'd never considered before. So we hashed it back and forth some more, and I went back and re-read everyone else's comments.
And in the end decided, "Oh, what the heck." For the win, Miko and his "Olll-mobeel Cutlet," but I'm also going to invoke the rarely used Ben Richards Rule and award a second prize to Rigel Kent, for entering such a close runner-up as to make picking a winner a matter of splitting extremely fine hairs. So Miko and Rigel, come on down and claim your prizes!
And as for everyone else who entered or read and commented on the entries, thanks for participating, and remember, the 4/9/10 Friday Challenge, "Folk Tales of the Final Frontier", is already in progress!
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