Writing for Radio - Part 2

Today I’m sitting in my little office at a media agency. I freelance here three days a week (the other two days I spend as a writing tutor at a Community College). They’re the same folks that first moved me away from my home in sunny, sunny, Florida.

I miss the sun. And the fact that in Florida, people are toned, tanned and generally nice to look at. Here in the Actual South, people are often fat, pale and loathsome. And that’s just in the beauty pageants. Try visiting WalMart. But that’s a discussion for another day.

Since writing my previous column, I’ve discovered Strunk and White’s “Elements of Style.” I’d heard about “The Little Book” before, but I hadn’t ever seen it for sale at Goodwill, so I didn’t buy a copy. This last weekend, both happened.

This word-stripping, meaning-clarifying, style-shaping, grammar-fixing little tome contains excellent examples that expand far beyond my paltry thoughts on self-editing.

I highly recommend the “Elements” to any writer. At one point, I took it in hand and ran into the bathroom while my wife was showering, proclaiming my glee at having been proven right in a bit of writing esoterica.

“I knew it! I knew it! Remember, I told you that I just ‘knew’ it was a rule that you should always join two words acting as one adjective?”

Less enthusiastically, she replied, “Yes, I think so.”

“Strunk and White agree – here, listen to this!” I read her the passage.

“See! I was right!”

“I guess you were, dear. Would you mind getting me a towel?”

I paused for a moment. “Strunk and White say I don’t have to. It’s rule #45.” Then I ran away. And that response, ladies and gentlegeeks, was not what she expected. Therein lies the key to making a really excellent ad. You need to be surprising.

Of course, we’ve all heard the ads that contain lots of yelling, gunshots, chainsaws and abruptly-ending music (usually capped with the oh-so-clichéd “record needle scratch” sound effect). The monsters responsible are trying to surprise you. Most likely they’ll surprise you into turning off your radio. But… GOOD ad-creatures should make their works pleasantly surprising.

There’s a part of your mind that finishes sentences and guesses ahead at where music is going. That part needs to be surprised. Consider the little middle-school song:

Miss Mary had a tugboat, the tug boat had a bell. Miss Mary went to heaven and the tugboat went to – Hello operator, get
me number nine, and if you disconnect me, I’ll cut off your – Behind the ‘frigerator, there is a piece of glass, Miss Mary
sat upon it, and broke her little – Ask me no more questions…

We keep thinking a bad word is going to show up… but it never quite does. This amuses naughty children (like myself some years ago) to no end. The concept, however, carries over into adulthood. We like the unforeseen ending (Bill turns out to be a nice guy), the plot twist (for 20 years, Bill has secretly been married to his sister), the unexpected revelation (Bill and his sister are godless aliens, which makes their incest okay), and so forth.

An ad, like a good story, should do this. My particular favorite ads tell a tale that has no relation to the product at all. The recent Chester the Cheetah spots where they turn the previously wholesome (though annoying) character of Chester into a freakishly demonic familiar are a good example.


Cheetos: Chester the Cheetah - Holy Freakish Ad, Vidad!

That’s my kind of ad. Of course, it also make a couple of unfortunate suggestions.

1. People that eat Cheetos are jackasses
2. Cheetos are birdfeed

Does it surprise you? Yes. Does it sell Cheetos? Maybe not. But geez, it’s weird and funny. A better angle is to focus on the listener’s needs.

“Are you hungry? Would you like something mouth-watering? Are you sick of unhealthy snacks? Want something tasty
your kids will eat? Try MicroSquids today! Pop ‘em in the nuker and let the radiation create an instant flavor delight!”

Boring ads focus on you and your company. Giving your credentials may make you feel warm and fuzzy, but it often makes for a boring (though perhaps functional) ad.

Example:

“Hi, I’m Bob Wookie. For generations, my family has made the best malt liquor in America. Rich, sickly-sweet, and
smooth, there’s a reason the finest gas stations across the nation carry Wookie Malt.”

Fine. Great. But what does it do for ME? Try this:

“Hey – wanna forget your troubles tonight? Kill your guilt? Get some fly honeys to give you some sugar? Then grab
yourself a Wookie Malt and party on! Wookie Malt – the cheap way to feel good!”

That second ad is making me thirsty. I hope it does the same for you. I own a 51% stake in Wookie Malt. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go sell some bibles.