Ruminations of an Old Goat

"I didn't like the movie one bit. Teenagers just don't use language like that!"

The speaker was a woman in my mother's weekly bridge club, which just happened to be gathering at our house that week. I was in the kitchen when the the bridge club discussion turned to movies, in particular The Summer of '42. I had stopped to listen because I had recently read the novel the movie was based on. (There was no chance my parents would have taken me to the R rated movie, but they were willing to let me read the book.)

I heard the woman's comment about the kind of language teenagers used and thought, "Teenagers don't use language like that around you, lady. But they use language like that among themselves all the time."

That little incident occurred nearly forty years ago. Now I'm the adult who got to learn just how easy it is for wishful thinking to overrule common sense. If your kids aren't teenagers yet, use this as an advance warning and start preparing. If you already have teenagers and are still suffering from wishful thinking, I strongly recommend you learn from my example. If your kids are grown, well, just remember that things are probably going to be worse by the time your grandchildren are teenagers.

Any parent who has surfed the internet knows that the most innocuous-sounding web site can turn out to be completely inappropriate for kids. Maybe you think you've done all you need to do by turning on Internet Explorer's parental controls. Those controls are actually pretty good. Unfortunately, there are very simple ways to circumvent IE's controls. All you or your child has to do is download Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome or some other browser and the controls are circumvented. Neither of those browsers has built-in controls, something either your child or one of your child's friends will know. Some of those browsers even download and install as part of packages. Every time you update Apple iTunes, Apple will try to send Safari, their web browser, along as part of the download. I have to remember to deselect Safari each time I update iTunes. I got Google Chrome along with something I downloaded from someone other than Google. Even after 20+ years working in IT, I didn't notice that Chrome was coming along for the ride.

The moral of this story? IE is free and you get what you pay for. There are a lot of tools out there that claim to protect your child. I tried a bunch of them before settling on K9 web Protection from Blue Coat. K9 allows me to block web sites by rating, lack of rating, block specific sites, and require a password to install any software on the computer.

Next, do not, Not, NOT allow your child to have Administrator privileges on the computer they use. First, they'll be able to uninstall any protective software you install, which kind of negates the benefits of the protection. Second, they'll be able to change passwords -- ALL passwords, including yours. Trust me, it's just not a good idea.

Shortly after your child discovers sites such as Facebook, they're going to discover online chat. It was bad enough when kids had to use specific software to chat; now more and more sites have their own chat program. You need to know what your child is discussing in these online chats. You'd be amazed at the things teenagers will discuss in a chat window. Many of the chats you'll follow will amaze you at their complete lack of content. Others chats will stun you when you discover your teenager is planning to steal from you or your other child so he can trade the stolen items to his drug supplier for some weed. That's why you must install keylogging software on any computer your child uses for chatting.

As with internet protection software, there are a lot of keyloggers out there. They are not all made equal. For instance, it took me a couple of months to find a keylogger than could record both sides of a Facebook chat. For what it's worth, I'm using Refog Keylogger. Refog records every single keystroke entered and gets both sides of Facebook chats. It tracks every web site visited, every piece of software activated and takes screen shots of screens. Beware of one thing, though. If you harbor any innocent illusions about the language your teenager uses among his peers, prepare to have those illusions shattered.

There's another bit of technology you need to think carefully about and for which tracking is next to impossible. That bit of technology is the cell phone. These are very useful devices for your teenager to have, of course. Your teen can call you at any time and you can call your teen. Who knows, your teen might even answer when you call. But your teen can also call all sorts of people you don't know or don't approve of. While that's a potential problem, the bigger problem is text messaging. Texting is like a mobile chat program for a teenager. They can be sitting quietly in the same room as you while holding wildly inappropriate text conversions with friends. And if you thought you were going shocked when you got a look at your teen's chat messages, wait until you see his text messages.

You might find out that the sweet, 13 year old girl you met a few days ago tried to send a nude photo of herself to your teen. Or you'll find your teen asking for drug prices from his supplier (and you'll be amazed at how stupid his supplier is when you see that the supplier answered the questions with actual prices). You'll discover the "new girlfriend" your teen has been talking about is discussing just how far she's willing to let him go when they manage to get alone. And you'll be appalled to read that she doesn't really have a limit.

So what can you do about the cell phone issue? Setup a block on everything you don't want your child to do. If you don't have a data plan (and I strongly urge you not to have one, as that gives your teen another way to circumvent your internet protection software), block web access. Block data uploads and downloads, including sending and receiving photos and videos. (This is why the sweet little girl's nude photo didn't arrive.)

Tell your teen that they have to turn the phone over to you for inspection whenever you ask for it. Let them know this will include scanning through their text messages. Show them that your cell phone service provider keeps track of every text message sent and received, so you'll know if they delete anything. Tell them you'll take the cell phone away if they delete any messages without you first seeing them (then do it if they do delete any messages).

Finally, cell phones have a built in GPS. Before signing a contract, make sure your cell phone provider has a service that will allow you to locate the phone online. This is very useful when your teenager chooses not to answer the phone. Insist your teenager keep his phone turned on at all times, so you can locate him. If you are ever unable to locate him, take the phone away for a period of time. Don't accept the excuse, "The battery ran out!" Even if it's the truth, your teenager needs to learn to be responsible about these things.

Your teenager is going to protest and claim to hate you and insist you're ruining the fun of text messaging with your rules. Tell them you'll happily block text messaging, too, if they don't want to follow the rules. As they scream and rant at you, just remind yourself why you set the rules in the first place. You set the rules because you're not ready to have a child with children of his own, you don't want your teenager getting high, and you think two trips to Juvenile Court is two more than you ever wanted to make.

The rules aren't there to please your teenager. They're there to protect him.