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Wednesday, October 13, 2010



Lunch Lady Wars


There it is. Finally. It feels like it’s been an eternity. My stomach aches and I feel numb in my finger tips. This table and these monitors and that mouse are the bane of my existence. Each time the phone rings it is like a horde of Banshee swooping into my office screaming obscenities. But it’s here… the lunch truck has finally arrived. I look out my window to make sure my mid morning starvation hasn’t caused me to go mad. It hasn’t. The truck is here. The Great Aussie Bite lunch truck.

I can almost taste the greasy goodness in my mouth. Hot dog? 4 & 20 Meat pie? Burger Rings? Maybe all three. I leap out of my chair and head for the truck. I’m making my way down the stairs at a steady pace when I realise that it’s Wednesday. All the staff are here on a Wednesday, for the board meeting. And we have OH&S training. That means all the yard hands as well. No. I might be all gone! I move with haste. No time for hallway pleasantries. I have spoken to them all already anyway. I step off the last step and can see the back of the truck. I can’t see anyone out there. Yes. It’s mine, whatever I want. Mine.

“Phil!” I hear from behind me. I turn slowly. No! Matt. The marketing mananger.

“Matt... Hi! In a bit of a hurry at the moment, mate. Can I come and see you in a few?” I say, swallowing heavily.

“No bother matey, will only take a moment. I just want ask you about the McClaren contract, I was reading through it and I...”

I can’t even hear what he’s saying. I see his lips moving. And nod where I think it’s suitable. My back to the lunch truck. I don’t know what’s going on out there. There could be 100’s of them out there. Swarming. Circling. Buying. Eating. Damn you Matt! How can you do this to me? I smile and nod. My eye slightly twitches as I try to hide my immense frustration and hunger.

“...so if you could have a look at it and let me know what you that means, that would be sweet, cheers,” Matt says with an arrogant smile. I hate that smile.

“No worries, Matt. I’ll let you know when I know,” I give a short, sharp nod and turn.

I can see the truck, and now I can see the people. So many of them. Why? Why today? Why any day? I reach the door, pushing it open, I can smell it. It’s deliciously disgusting. I can’t wait to...

“Just one other thing, Phil. I’ll need you to...”

I hang my head and heave a heavy sigh. I’m sure he hears it. I hope he does. I don’t care. I turn slowly. I give him my i’m-a-happy-worker-smile and nod at his stupid questions. “uh-huh” “yep” “of course” “no worries” The words pour out of me like they are water from a tap. I don’t even remember if the conversation finished properly. It was like a blur. But I’m out of that conversation now. Walking across the yard to the truck, the bright yellow, beautiful truck. As I round the truck I see that in the chiller section there’s... drinks... no sandwiches or rolls or salads. That’s not good. But the warmer is on the back of the truck. Surely there’s something there. I hope. I pray. My Stomach growls.




A mini-sausage roll...

This isn’t good. I hate sausage rolls. My shoulders sag and I turn to look out on all my work ‘mates’. They are so happy. I look at Jamie. He’s eating a pie. I bet it’s a 4&20. I can see the top of a cheese kransky poking up from his jacket pocket aswell. He looks so content. Laughing at someone’s joke. I’m sure it’s not even funny; it’s just that his life is so good with that pie and that kransky. I haven’t felt this low for a while...

“Should have been quicker champ.” It was the lunch truck lady. If only she knew.

“Really?” I say in tone that makes it hard for her decide whether it’s a joke or a dig.

“You want the sausage roll?” she says.

“Yeah, I’ll take it. Thanks.” As I reach into my pocket for my wallet, the idea of eating this sausage roll pangs at me. Is this what I have become? Just as I am about to hand over the money I hear something. Something familiar and friendly and...

What’s this..?


Another truck? What? Yes! It is! Is it Christmas?

I don’t care what sort of witch craft this is. It’s happening. Lunch on Legs... you fantasic food dispensing machine. I snatch my hand away from the lady. Ha. Take that Aussie Bite!

“Hey you can’t do that! You already picked up the sausage roll!” she says in vain.

Too late, it’s already done.

I’m standing at the back of the truck before the lady is even out. I can smell it through the doors. It smells amazing. Yes. This is it. She’s taking her time though. Doesn’t she know what I’ve been through? Well, obviously not. This is my time, my moment of truth. Slowly, slowly she makes her way around the back and opens it up. It’s full. Completely stocked! I have full reign. I am the tyrant and these are my peasants. The taxes have gone up peasants! The smell is incredible. All the different foods combined into one orgasmic aroma.

“Hey are you going to pay for this?” the Aussie Bite lady says.

I ignore her. There are more important things at hand.

Jamie’s smugness has turned me off of pies. But...

Cheese kransky.

Something else for right now...

Spinach and ricotta roll with tomato sauce.

“That the lot mate?” says the Lunch on Legs lady.

“Yes, thanks.” I pay her. I walk away.

“That’s my customer. What are you doing here anyway? This is Great Aussie Bite’s route. You can’t be selling here!” the Aussie Bite lady says with a high pitched shrill in her voice.

“Obviously I can, you haven’t got anything anyway! Call yourself a lunch truck lady? You’re just a truck lady, haha!” the Lunch on Legs lady says.

I hear the others standing around chuckling. I stop for a moment to wonder why the Aussie Bite lady even cares... she sold everything except for a mini-sausage roll. Maybe she hates them too. But... never mind that that. I have meeting with the some greasy delights.

“Watch your mouth lady! You can’t talk to me like...”

Their argument fades into the back ground. I stand with my back to them. I notice nothing. It’s just me. Me and these treats. My mind detects nothing else. I start with the kransky. The pastry cracks and the sausage bursts, spilling warm cheese into my mouth. It’s marvellous. My stomach growls in satisfaction. Kransky is gone. I tear the spinach and ricotta roll to pieces in what seems like seconds. My belly is content, a reassuring feeling indeed. I would like to think I was like lion eating its prey... but I assume that I was more like a pig at a trough.

I don’t care.

It was fantastic.

I slowly fade out of my trance. I feel alone and used. No longer reassured

What the hell was Matt talking to me about? The McCraken contract? I had best look that up. As I turn I realise that the Great Aussie Bite truck as gone. Good. The Lunch on Legs is leaving. No!

Could have really gone a packet of Burger Rings...

Story-a-Day is an attempt to bring a small bit of humor and amusement to Mrs. ~brb and Audrey as they fight very serious illnesses. If you have a short, amusing story, please send it to kersley.fitz at yahoo dot com. If you'd prefer, you can drop it in the drop.io (password: challenge) and email me to let me know it's there.
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