Story-a-Day

Waterboy

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Etiquette for Zombies: 8 Tips for Social Situations

by Emily Post-Mortem

1. It is generally considered polite to send advance notice before visiting a living person's home. Showing up on someone's doorstep unexpectedly and banging repeatedly on the door or smashing through windows is unlikely to be met with gracious acceptance.

2. When you do find yourself in a position to visit the living, it is always best to clean oneself up. Brush off the dust and dirt from your tattered rags as much as possible, or stumble your way into a nearby stream or pond if one is available; avoid using swamp water, as it tends to defeat the purpose. You might consider replacing those rags with a nice, new suit of clothes from the nearest department store. Also, reattach any loose or missing limbs using duct tape (a handy tool available in all hardware stores, where you can also get a pine tree deodorizer to wear around your neck as jewelry). And don't forget to comb your hair if you have any left; use short, light strokes, or you soon won't. This is also a good tip for brushing any remaining teeth.

3. For more formal affairs, an inexpensive hostess gift is traditionally presented by the guest. A nice bouquet of flowers is often appreciated, but make sure you go by the florist and acquire a new one; picking up the desiccated remains of a memorial bouquet off the grave next to yours after ripping your way out of the ground is simply not acceptable.

4. A dinner party is one in which you typically eat food provided by the host, not where you eat the host. If you have lost your bottom jaw, try to stick with softer substances like soup and steamed peas. Also, if you drink alcohol, moderation is key: nobody likes a mindless stiff stumbling around bumping into tables and toppling the bric-à-brac onto the floor.

5. When meeting new acquaintances, it is a good idea to repeat their name out loud at least two times in the first few minutes, to help memorize it. Again, if you are missing your mandible, just hiss it quietly to yourself instead, lest you scare them away. And if the name contains more than five syllables, forget about it because your dead brain cells will never retain that much information anyway.

6. Be careful when shaking hands with the living. Not only will you spread germs to them and make them sick, but they are liable to unintentionally remove your digits or an entire appendage. Stick with the traditional Japanese greeting and bow instead; if you were judicious in applying duct tape to your head earlier, you needn't worry about losing it. And carry your duct tape with you, just in case.

7. To rid your eyes of that "dead zombie" look, colored contacts can be quite useful. Just be sure not to press them in too hard against your eyeball, lest you pop it back into your skull. Should that happen, or if you are unable to locate tinted contact lenses, dark sunglasses will fulfill the same function. A marble of sufficient size will also do in a pinch to replace a missing orb.

8. Finally, if the social gathering is a masquerade or Hallow'een party, forget all of the above and just dress and act natural. You're sure to be a hit!

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Story-a-Day is an attempt to bring a small bit of humor and amusement to Mrs. ~brb and Audrey as they fight very serious illnesses. If you have a short, amusing story, please send it to kersley.fitz at yahoo dot com. If you'd prefer, you can drop it in the drop.io (password: challenge) and email me to let me know it's there.